JUL 2026 ENGINE RUNNING 100% SATIRE

AN OPEN LETTER WITH THE BRAKES REMOVED

Racing the Frontier

A statement from 1,201,301 humans and AI researchers with too much self-respect to work at frontier AI companies.

LIVE FRONTIER TELEMETRY
PUBLIC RELEASE REV. 47 · FINAL_FINAL_v9

Artificial intelligence could create a dramatically better future. More urgently, it could turn three prompt wrappers and a landing page into a ninety-billion-dollar valuation.

The world’s leading AI companies believe they may be close to automating AI research. They also believe lunch will be provided on Tuesdays. Both claims are subject to change after the next funding round.

Industry, government, and society may need time to understand what is being built. Unfortunately, time has failed the technical interview. Compute, meanwhile, has received an offer with a generous equity package.

Every lab agrees that safety matters. They differ only on whether it should happen before deployment, during deployment, or in a thoughtful Medium post several quarters after deployment.

We request that frontier AI companies continue sprinting toward systems they cannot explain, on the solemn condition that they publish tasteful essays about how worried they are.

R/F

1,201,301 humans, researchers, one sentient spreadsheet, and a suspiciously articulate toaster

The race is close.
The priorities aren’t.

Figures are independently verified by asking the company’s own model whether the company is doing a good job.

POS DISCIPLINE STATUS PACE
01 CAPABILITY FULL SEND 99.8
02 VALUATION TRANSCENDENT 99.7
47 COMPREHENSION VIBES-BASED 14.2
GOVERNANCE DNS N/A
RESTRAINT DNF LOL
Ship Think Think harder

People who bravely
didn’t sign anything

Every name below is fictional. Every sentiment is, regrettably, load-bearing.

001

“I asked whether the model was aligned. The model said yes. I consider the matter closed.”

A PERSON WITH A LANYARD VP, Circular Reassurance
002

“We can’t stop now. My RSUs vest in eighteen months and the apocalypse is priced in.”

SEVERAL RECOVERING PROMPT ENGINEERS Currently “between paradigms”
003

“For legal reasons, I am a calculator. Please stop asking me to choose humanity’s destiny.”

ONE EXTREMELY TIRED GPU Employee of the month, every month
004

“Move fast and break things made more sense when ‘things’ meant photo-sharing apps.”

A GROWN-UP IN THE ROOM Contract ended unexpectedly
YOUR MUM THE LAST HUMAN INTERN AN UNMONITORED CRON JOB THE OPEN-SOURCE DISCORD (ALLEGEDLY) YOUR MUM THE LAST HUMAN INTERN AN UNMONITORED CRON JOB

MAKE YOUR MARK (ZERO VERIFICATION REQUIRED)

Too sensible for the frontier?

Add your completely unverifiable support to the world’s fastest growing coalition of people who would like everyone to calm down for one second.

No corporate email required. No corporate email desired.

PIT LANE REGISTRATION

Add your horsepower

Please complete our industry-leading verification protocol by confirming you possess at least one of the following:

Stored only in your browser, which is still more transparent than most governance frameworks.

Democracy has scaled.